It's about time someone writes something here!

This is Chuck. I never seem to post anymore. And apparently neither does Eliza! But I've got some spare time since I find myself all alone in Philadelphia with nothing to do, so I figured I ought to write.
I went to my 10 year high school reunion a couple of weeks ago. It was great to see so many old friends. And I realized we are just that: old. Everyone looked great, but time has a way of marching on whether we want it to or not.

Lucy died 8 months ago. It seems like we've been missing her for so long. Each week that passes makes it a little easier, but it means that we are that much further away from her, and the memories aren't as fresh. Although I could do with a little more distancing from the day she died. It remains a very traumatic, the most traumatic, day for Eliza and me.

I have enjoyed the scriptures a lot lately. The bible and the Book of Mormon. I'm seeing things that I never saw before, despite how obvious they are. There were a lot of people who learned how to follow the voice of the spirit, and that Spirit led them to Christ. It wasn't without hardship. It wasn't being led blindly. It was deliberate asking and seeking, and obeying. Obedience to law didn't lead them to Christ. Obedience to the direction of the Spirit led the way to Christ.
I hope to have more time to learn to hear and obey the Spirit.



This is jack with a big letter J. He seems pretty pleased about it, and I hope that he decides to start going by Jack again, instead of Black (yes, the color black), or Bob the tomato, or spiderman.

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Mother's Day!

This is my mother. She moved away from her husband, home and family for an entire year...for my family. She payed for an apartment across the street from us, and every morning would come over at 2 and leave at 5, because that was her shift with the babies. She almost never slept during those hours. Did I mention she did this for a year? She came with me to countless appointments. She'd spend the night in the hospital with our babies so we could sleep. She was there when Hazel almost died and she was there when Lucy did die. When she said she understood what we were going through she did, not only because she had a child die, but because she went through our experience with us.
Growing up there were times she was my only friend. She always lets me talk and talk, even if she's heard it all before. I've never doubted my mother's love.
She takes less for herself, so she can give more to others. I love you Momma!

Carolyn

In honor of Nurses week I wanted to share a little about my favorite nurse.
Lucy had one nurse who I still think about everyday. Her name is Carolyn and she was truly our angel. She always fought for Lucy and treated her as if she was her daughter. She loved Lucy and Lucy loved her. We always felt safe when Carolyn was around. She wasn't working when Lucy died but came in to weep with us. She stayed for hours waiting for us to leave so she could prepare her body. I wanted to show Carolyn what an amazing person Lucy was going to grow into. I won't get to now, but I like to think Lucy hangs out with Carolyn in the ICU, watching out for other little kids together. We love you Carolyn! Thank you for loving our daughter and making her lasts days beautiful.

Here mom

Jack's adventure

Oh my gosh. How did I forget to blog about this.





This is my dad. That thing he's holding is a Fruit by the Foot wrapper. He and my brother in law pulled it from my son's nose in the middle of the night (at least to him). Maybe I should back up a little.

Chuck left for Kansas City one week before I left with the kids. Both kids got really bad colds while he was gone. I mean buckets of boogers everywhere. Jack started smelling really bad. After a couple of days of multiple baths and many many teeth brushings I was out of ideas. I found myself yelling at him every time he got near me. I thought maybe he had some kind of infection. Then one night Hazel was having a hard time breathing I was really freaked out. My dad made a call to our pediatrician who happens to be a buddy of his from high school. He told us Hazel likely had croup and what we should do for it. Then my mom told my dad to ask about Jack. When my Dad mentioned the smell he instantly said, "there's something up his nose." I felt so dumb because chuck had told me the same thing and I didn't believe him. It made perfect sense because a week earlier Jack made an outburst in the car about his nose hurting. But I asked him if there was anything up there and he said, "no." He's been chewing on everything lately! We think he was chewing on part of a fruit by the foot wrapper and snuffed it up his nose. I don't know how he could stand it! Well it was about midnight when we figured this all out. My sister Carlie was over with her husband Jeff. Jeff wanted to get it out (at that point we still didn't know what "it" was.) Poor Jack was awoken by my Dad and Jeff with a flashlight and tweezers. It took 3 attempts to yank it out. I heard the screams from 2 stories up.

It really was one of the worst things I have ever smelled.


It was so long it was going down into his throat. Poor little boy. I don't know why he didn't tell me.

When I checked in him later that night he had a huge grin on his face.

I love Kansas City!

Chuck and I have been living it up here in KC. We're only here for a couple of months and then we probably won't have many opportunities to come back. So we're doing all of our favorite local stuff. Chuck has been working 12 hour days so we're limited mostly to weekends.

Breakfast at waffle house. It took 2 years before I was willing to try this place. It kind of gave me the creeps.


My mom and sister were out here and we were able to go through the new temple's open house. So beautiful.



Chuck is doing his cardiology rotation down at the plaza this month. We've met him down there for dinner and window shopping.


Plaza fountain


Art museum with my nieces and nephews.





Take a close look at Jack.


He really had to go!

Hazel is obsessed with sauces. Weird.


Last Saturday we took the kids to the coolest toy store called Marble Moon Company. They did a demonstration of how to make marbles. Jack loved it.








I fell in love with the vintage tin robots. Is that weird.


The store was filled with vintage toys. It was amazing. We may have grabbed a couple for Jack's upcoming birthday.


So cool.


Oh yeah, we had Easter too.





The kids love it here. The only downside is how much we all miss our family. And.....the bugs. And ......spending twice the time to blow dry my hair.

6 months

Sometimes it feels like no time at all has past. The wounds are so fresh it may as well have happened yesterday. I'll go in the kids room and expect to see her there. Other times it feels like a million years since we were all together. Time feels like time is dragging and surely we must have been grieving for years now. But it's only been 6 months.

I sometimes relive the day over and over in my head. It's torture realizing how many mistakes were made. I've wondered had Chuck been with her that day instead of me, would he have noticed how stupid they were being and insisted they do it right. And then I remember the confirmation we received that this was her time. It has been a gift to know that but has taken all our faith to remind ourselves.

For those who don't know what's going on with us we're now back in Kansas City. We're back in the house where we lived when Lucy and Hazel were born and where they lived until they were almost a year old. It's hard being here but I love it too. I break down a little more often but I know it's healing. We left the house clean except for the girls room. We had to empty out our storage unit and we put everything in their room last time we were here. I picked a blanket out of the hamper in the girls' room. It smelled just like Lucy. I lost it. When I told Chuck what had happened he told me he had done the same thing.

We're here for April and May. Chuck had to do Cardiology and ER rotations here in Kansas City. We're packing up the house and putting all our stuff...who knows where. Then we'll be going back to Utah for a year.(living in Orem with my parents) If everything goes well Chuck should learn in December where he'll be doing a pediatric residency and then he'd start in July of 2013.

Since Lucy passed away I feel like I've heard so many stories of hard things other people are going through and I'm reminded I'm not alone. We are built to overcome hard things. That is why we're here.

This picture was taken a few hours before Lucy passed away. I now wonder what she saw.

Finding Joy

I still cry a lot. All the time really. But somehow I'm not really depressed. It almost impossible to explain. I miss my daughter terribly. But I feel more hope than fear. I'm so grateful for that. I know it's been a gift from God. I don't want to let my sadness take away from the beauty of my other children. I love them more than ever. I want to be a good mother to them. Nothing seems important anymore except my family. Lucy's death has made me cherish my family. I've avoided blogging because it's painful but I think I need to focus more on all the wonderful things in my life. So here are a few little beauties...

The first thing Jack said to me today, "mom, you are so beautiful." I of course looked like death.

My nephew asked me today if I'd ever died. I tried to explain to him about death. He told me that Lucy is in her REAL house now. I asked him what he meant. He said, "I don't know!"

Jack is finally Potty trained!

I watched my sisters kids the other day when she went to the hospital. When she got back Jack said, "Carlie, you not died!" he obviously has some baggage.

Watching Hazel jump on the trampoline....naked.

And of course, throwing rocks in Provo Canyon. And feeling Lucy there with us.











What dorks.

Disneyland

I know I've been terrible at blogging lately but I've been feeling pretty blue. Chuck is back in school and for whatever reason it seems to have triggered a lot of emotions in me.
Before chuck started up again we took a trip down to Disneyland. We went with my Mom, my sister Carlie and her kids and we brought Chuck's oldest niece Hailey. We left Hazel behind with Chuck's mom and I'm so glad we did. We needed to keep the adult to child ratio in check.


Waiting for Peter Pan.





Jack's hair is amazing with a little humidity.


One went to the beach one day and everyone loved it. It was freezing and Jack got soaking wet.


It was Hailey's first time seeing the Ocean.


Carlie's cute kiddies.





I don't know why but this is how Jack smiles for pictures now.


The kids loved meeting characters.





Dale pretty much tackled Jack and Jessie to the floor.


Jack was pretty scared of Hook.

Insomnia

I can't sleep. I'm missing Lucy. Jack, Hazel and I drove by the cemetery today. I want them to know their sister but I know they're already forgetting her.

On Sunday chuck dressed Hazel for church. Under her dress she had on a white onesie. I can hardly look at her when she's wearing it because we bought those onesies for Lucy to be buried in.

I still can't believe so little time has passed that Hazel still wears clothes that Lucy wore. Sometimes it feels like an eternity and other times it feels like she was just here.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I can't know exactly where she is or what she is doing. I have no reference to what her life is really like.

We all catch ourselves looking at Hazel sometimes and saying, "she looks just like Lucy." My Mom always laughs because after all they were twins. It's weird to see Hazel's mannerisms because at times they are so much like Lucy's.

After Lucy died I was so sure that Hazel was going to be a painful reminder but she hasn't been. I really think Hazel has helped us heal faster. I am worried though she is being spoiled rotten. No one dares say no to her.

Chuck and spoke in Church a couple of weeks ago. I don't know why they thought we'd be ready for that. We weren't. It was harder than speaking at the funeral. We were a mess. I'm glad we did it though. I've always felt like Lucy died for a reason and if I don't do my part to learn from this experience, than it will have been for nothing.

Losing Lucy has been the hardest thing we've ever been through but I know it has focused our family more on Christ and our missions here on earth. In that way we're very blessed. We have a daughter pulling for us.