Thursday, December 29, 2011

More drama

Hazel has a lump in her groin that my mom noticed about a month ago. We were in Mexico over Christmas and noticed it had gotten much larger. When we got home my dad called his old high school buddy and our kid's pediatrician. We went over to his house and he ordered an ultrasound and some blood work and sent us to a pediatric surgeon. He ordered more blood work and a chest X-ray. Everything so far has come back pretty normal. In the last few days it has gotten even bigger and turned painful. She has even started walking funny. The doctor we saw today was infectious disease. He told us if it gets worse in the next few days they're going to do a biopsy. They are optimistic that it's not leukemia or lymphoma because it would be so rare. That's comforting but not that comforting. We could again use some prayers. We're pretty hopeful nothing's wrong but it hard waiting.

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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Two Months

It's been two months since we've lost our beautiful little girl. That morning I drove to the hospital thinking about Lucy and what her future would be. I had no idea what was coming later that day. I always thought I would see it coming if we lost her but I didn't. Looking back I don't believe Lucy was really there at all that day. I think her spirit was lingering just long enough so that Chuck, my mother and I would all be there to say goodbye. It was so rare that the three of us were all with her at the hospital, especially on a day with no surgeries. But there we all were standing around her with folded arms as she slipped away. I know I've told this story before but it is so easy to forget the miracles that are sent our way. As hard as we try to find a solution in our minds for what could have saved Lucy's life we must remember that it wasn't meant to be. We exercised all of our faith. We believed that Heavenly Father could heal her. I still believe he could have. But he didn't, and now we are working on having faith in his plan for her.
Jack and Hazel make it very difficult to act sad around them. They are both so empathetic and aware of our emotions. Hazel scowls if anyone is crying and buries her little head into our laps. Jack starts explaining to us that we should be happy because Lucy isn't sick anymore and that it's not our fault. I love them so much and I'm so grateful to have them to help pull us through this. It's hard for me to watch Hazel forget but I know that Lucy is going to remain by her side her whole life.
Losing Lucy has broken our hearts and put us into a better place. Even though it doesn't usually feel better. The days that are easiest for me are days where I'm focused on my Savior and the love he has for us. The days that are hardest for me are when I'm letting the world and Satan tell me what to feel. That this isn't fair or this wasn't supposed to happen. The doctors made mistakes or it's normal to be mad.
Chuck and I never quite know when the sadness is going to hit. We were at Costco and I saw a mother pushing identical twin girls a little older than my girls in her shopping cart. I looked down and saw the empty seat by Hazel and started to cry. Poor lady probably thought I was nuts. Jack wakes up still screaming in the night saying he misses Lucy. He worries when he doesn't know where Hazel is or if anyone says they feel sick. We've had some neat experiences with Hazel that have helped us see that Lucy is still around. Hazel is forgetting her and doesn't say her name anymore but she still will find pictures of her to kiss. I'm grateful that Jack and Hazel will grow up knowing that there is someone working for them on the other side. My siblings and I all grew up feeling our brother Garrison's influence, who also died from a heart defect. Even though my kids will forget Lucy, Chuck and I are determined that they will never really forget her.