Thursday, October 31, 2013

2 years

A couple weeks ago was the two year anniversary of Lucy's death. I had to teach Relief Society in church and I barely made it through. My heart hurts for her as much as it did a year ago. Progress it slow. Today out of no where I saw a picture of her and it knocked the wind of of me. I miss her so much. I miss her funny little wave and her little white washcloths.
Even though Ivy is only 7 months old she's about the same size Lucy was when she passed away. She looks like her. A chubbier darker Lucy. It's hard. My children bring me so much joy. I don't know how Chuck and I could get through this without them.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

It's early in the morning and I can't sleep. Two years ago today we woke up one of our sleeping babies and took her to the hospital for what would be the last time. She was so tired that morning she laid nuzzled on my chest like a newborn. I wish I could go back to that morning. She was terrified when she realized we were back at the hospital. We'd just spent 10 days at home after three long months of living at the hospital. She didn't want to be back. I wish I could erase this memory from my mind forever, but I remember perfectly. We spoke that morning with her surgeon. I asked how long they expected recovery to take. His answer was 2-3 days in the ICU and then a week or so on the floor. She never made it to the floor. Ten days after this surgery we lost her.

This was the last time I held my little girl like this. This was the last time she was Lucy. I miss her more than I can say. I see her face looking out from her siblings sometimes but it's not enough. I am so happy that this amazing child is part of our family. I'm so glad I was able to be her mother. She changed me forever.
I've been feeling overwhelmed lately with residency. It's hell. Chuck is on what is considered an easy rotation. He get's a day off on Saturday and it will be the first one he's had in three weeks. His next day off will be in another 2 weeks. Somedays I just don't feel like Chuck and I are cut out for this. We're weekend people. In fact we're like.....long weekend people. Then I remember Lucy and how much she endured and how well she endured it. She was so much tougher than I will ever be.