Monday, March 18, 2013

I know I've been terrible about blogging lately. I don't think it's accidental. I've been avoiding it. I think I've needed a break to process my own feelings about life.
I guess it's officially time to announce that I'm pregnant! I'm 39 weeks tomorrow. I know I'm terrible. We're having a little girl and we're very excited. Most people are curious if this baby was planned. Yes, she was. It doesn't mean the decision wasn't extremely difficult. Grieving for one child, while awaiting another is not a comfortable one. I knew the longer we waited, the harder it would get though. This really is the perfect time for our family to welcome a new little spirit.
I never really felt like I lost a baby. In my eyes Lucy was a little girl. She played with dolls and watched Mary Poppins with a better attention span than most adults. She called me Mama and was the most engaged child. Because of that its been a little easier. Baby stuff isn't as painful as it would be if I thought of Lucy as a baby when she died.
After Lucy died I couldn't listen to music on the radio. It made me angry to listen to empty songs about love. I kept thinking to myself, the love I have for my daughter is so much better than this. They have no idea! Lately I've been thinking a lot about mother's love and how it resembles our Savior's love for us. I've spent a lot more time this pregnancy contemplating the sacredness of childbirth. It's made this entire pregnancy more meaningful than my others and has helped me focus more on my Savior.
I thought my biggest fear this pregnancy would be for the baby's health, but it really hasn't been. My biggest fear has been that I wouldn't connect with this little girl. I've been afraid I wouldn't love her like my other kids. I've been praying for comfort and assurance. Last night I had a dream about her. She was beautiful and I loved her just like the others. It was an answer to my prayers and I'm grateful The Lord sends me these tender mercies when I need them most. I guess this is why I decided to blog again today. So I don't forget that my Heavenly Father is aware of me and my problems.