I can't sleep. I'm missing Lucy. Jack, Hazel and I drove by the cemetery today. I want them to know their sister but I know they're already forgetting her.
On Sunday chuck dressed Hazel for church. Under her dress she had on a white onesie. I can hardly look at her when she's wearing it because we bought those onesies for Lucy to be buried in.
I still can't believe so little time has passed that Hazel still wears clothes that Lucy wore. Sometimes it feels like an eternity and other times it feels like she was just here.
I think the hardest thing for me is that I can't know exactly where she is or what she is doing. I have no reference to what her life is really like.
We all catch ourselves looking at Hazel sometimes and saying, "she looks just like Lucy." My Mom always laughs because after all they were twins. It's weird to see Hazel's mannerisms because at times they are so much like Lucy's.
After Lucy died I was so sure that Hazel was going to be a painful reminder but she hasn't been. I really think Hazel has helped us heal faster. I am worried though she is being spoiled rotten. No one dares say no to her.
Chuck and spoke in Church a couple of weeks ago. I don't know why they thought we'd be ready for that. We weren't. It was harder than speaking at the funeral. We were a mess. I'm glad we did it though. I've always felt like Lucy died for a reason and if I don't do my part to learn from this experience, than it will have been for nothing.
Losing Lucy has been the hardest thing we've ever been through but I know it has focused our family more on Christ and our missions here on earth. In that way we're very blessed. We have a daughter pulling for us.
