People ask Chuck and I frequently how we're doing and we usually say ok. It doesn't mean I'm not bawling my eyes out....every day. Because I still do. I miss Lucy so much. At least once a day I look at Hazel and I get a glimpse of Lucy. It always shocks me and makes me so sad that they won't be the little friends I'd hope they'd be.
I'm doing much better than I'd ever imagined. The anger is pretty much gone and in it's place I've been filled with peace. Lucy gave me a great gift. She broke my heart and in doing so I feel like I'm in a better place than I've ever been. Even though it also feels like the worst. I feel closer to my Savior than I ever have. My desire to have the Holy Spirt with me is stronger than it's ever been. I have a deep desire for Lucy's death to have meant something. The only thing in my power that I know to do, is to live my life in alignment with the teachings of the gospel and to follow the promptings of the Spirit and to teach my remaining children to do the same. I hope that it will be enough to live with her again.
It seems like I'm always coming across people with similar stories as us. It's amazing how many people lose a child. In a way we have an unfair advantage. I know Lucy is going to be working on our family until we are all pulled back to her and I think all little children who die are doing the same for their families. I know it doesn't matter how far we've strayed or how unclean and unworthy we think we might be, there is a loving Father in Heaven who is waiting for us to turn to him. I wish it hadn't taken the death of my child to change my heart.
