What I'm really thinking

When people talk to me these days I am often told, "I have ALWAYS wanted twins."

May I just point something out. This is like telling the kid with crooked teeth, "you're so lucky, I've always wanted braces and headgear." For the record I did tell a kid that once. He didn't like it.

I love my children. I'm grateful for them. But I also would have loved them one at a time....spaced 5 years apart. Just saying. 

2010

One year ago Chuck and I were driving home from visiting family in Utah. We had a double stroller in the back of our car that my sister gave us. We knew I was pregnant but had not yet been to an ob. "That thing is going to jinx us," Chuck said. During that Christmas break I had also had a dream that I had twins. It terrified me. I wish I remembered it detail. When I was pregnant with Jack I told Chuck that if we ever had twin girls I wanted to name them Blair and McKay after our dads. On January 9th of last year, we went to dinner with a friend of ours. It was the night before we had our first ultrasound. We made jokes about there being twins. An hour before my doctor's appointment the next day I called my mom. I told her I'd be glad when this appointment was over so I'd know there was only one. She laughed and told me, "If you had twins I'll hire you a nanny." When I was probably about 12 I remember a conversation with my mother and my two older sisters. We were talking about my brother who had died of hypo-plastic left heart syndrome. My mom said something about how one of us could have a child with a heart defect. I remember thinking then that it would be me. A few months before I got pregnant I knew something big was about to happen in our lives.

This past year has been the most pivotal year of my life. I think Chuck's as well. It has been the hardest year on our marriage but I know we are more committed to each other than ever. I love him and all my family for the sacrifices they have made for us. I feel a closer bond to my husband, my parents, my siblings, my in-laws and my extended family than I ever have before. I have felt people's prayers in a way that is beyond explanation. I can feel when they are strongest because I experience strength that is not my own. I would hope everyone could experience the power of prayer in this way. My testimony has been tried and tested. Some of beliefs have been shattered and rebuilt. I see myself and my life differently. This year I've learned to look for the Lord's hand in our life and I've realized my faith isn't as strong as it needs to be.

The Lord has done so much to prepare us for the trials we've had this year. When there seemed to be no hope at times, a way was provided. Sometimes we are kept in the dark for a reason. I know there is purpose to the events in my life.

2010 in photo recap: no particular order because I have no idea what I'm doing

Chuck, Lucy and Jack...Hazel never made it into her costume. We only lasted about 7 minutes at our ward Halloween party before we had to leave.

After the babies were born.
My little bro came home from his mission. A highlight of the year. I was so sad I couldn't be there.
Blessing day. Babies with their namesakes.
Hazel's surgery.
Lulu's surgery.
Gammy and Hazel.
Jack spent a lot of this year naked. He loves his "saur" more than anything.
One year ago.
38 weeks pregnant. Happy Birthday girls!
We have so many pictures of Chuck asleep with babies.
Welcome to the world Hazel.
Deathly white. I know.
Here we come 2011. I hope you are ready for us!

Nakie Babies

Hey sis, give me your hand.

I want to eat your hand.
Get way from me crazy!
Geez, what's the big deal?

Everyone is always asking me if the babies love sleeping by each other. If they entertain each other and if they talk in their own little language to each other. The answer would be, "no." They mostly just like to bug the other. They are way more interested in everyone else than each other.

I don't want to go back to Missouri yet but being away from her doctors has been stressful. We have an appointment on Jan. 7. We think she's been gaining good weight but we aren't sure what the expectation for her is. We're really hoping to avoid a feeding tube.

I'll be honest. I wish I could skip next year and jump ahead to 2012. It's going to be really rough for our family. I'm lucky to have such a great support system. I know I couldn't do any of this without them. When Lucy came home at 6 days old she was almost completely asymptomatic. Their was very little difference between the way we treated Lucy and Hazel. As Hazel has gotten older the easier she seems to get but the opposite seems true of Lucy. She's difficult to console, difficult to put to sleep and when we're just too worn out, we still can't let her fuss. I'm definitely not looking forward to her next surgery but I really want it done so we can all just move on with life. I know it's not that simple but some days that's all I can hope for

Snow!!!!!!!

Only in Utah could it snow this much and pretty much be gone the next day. I'm glad Jack was able to get out and play in it a little. He mostly just wanted to eat it.

Hazel's New Helmet

She's actually had this new helmet for a couple weeks now. She'll get her next helmet in a few months.

Update from Utah

I'm just sitting here in Utah with Lucy on my lap. We're staying at my parent's house while they are in Mexico with some of my family. Jack's been having a blast playing in the snow and hanging out with cousins. The girls both have colds but are doing okay. We're glad to be able to spread out in a bigger house but even here we're getting cabin fever. I would really just like to take all of my kids out somewhere.

Before we left Hazel got a new helmet. We bling-ed it out for christmas. Lucy also met with the cardiologist before we left. He said that she's fallen off the growth chart for weight. If she doesn't chunk up before Jan. 7 they might put her on a feeding tube. She's now on a high calorie formula so we hope that helps pack on the pounds. In better news her oxygen saturation looked great. This is really important for those numbers to stay high.

I have pictures I need to post but I'll do that later.

Lucy GaGa

We made a little dance video of Lucy before her surgery. She's not quite up to dancing yet but she's getting there.

Jack Jack

I know my kids are the only thing I write about anymore, but the truth is, they are the most interesting thing about me. I think about my kids constantly. I'm sad that we had to move them so far away from family. So for those of you who don't get to see my kiddies often, here's an overview....

This kid is trouble. He hoards apples and pears. He ate his own feces last week but won't eat anything I make him. He calls Chuck honey because that's what I call him. He knows all his letters and what they say but barely talks. He's all drama all the time. He hates when a lot of people are around, just like his crazy momma. I love that he's never shown any resentment towards his sisters. He tries so hard to be good but is so bad at it. We call him Little Boy or LB for short.

Hazelnut-case

I bonded with Hazel faster than I did with any of my children. She is my funniest child and will probably be my most obnoxious. It's probably fitting she was named after my dad. :) All her nurses always fall in love with her. We call her our little ski jumper because she is always stiff as a board. Even at this early age she totally fake cries. She sounds just like her sister when she cries most of the time but she had this screaming thing that only she can do. I'm a little obsessed with her. I hate that I always get whacked in the head with that helmet whenever I try to kiss those cheeks.

LuLu

In utero Lucy was baby A. Because I had a C-section, Hazel was pulled out first and Lucy became baby B. I think she may be stepping aside for her sister a lot. She is my sweetest child. I adore her. If it weren't for her heart she'd be my easiest child. She is such a smiley baby which is such a blessing to us. She lights up the room. Of all my children she is the most like Chuck.

Lucy and Hazel have matching dimples on their right cheeks and the both have crazy hairlines. Their cries are really difficult to tell apart. They are more amused by their brother than they are with each other but they love holding hands. Having identical twins is nothing like I expected.

When I became a mother I went through a bit of a crisis. I didn't know who I was anymore. It was really difficult adjusting to life at home. I felt like being a mom wasn't enough. I felt unfulfilled. I am convinced that there is nothing I could be doing that is more important than what I'm doing right now. My children have shown me my weaknesses and shown me my strengths.