Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I know I haven't been very faithful at the blog lately. I'm not sure what to write anymore. It feels as if time is standing still. We're not spending much time making plans or looking ahead. Just living in the present. Something I wish I had been a little better at in the past.

People ask Chuck and I frequently how we're doing and we usually say ok. It doesn't mean I'm not bawling my eyes out....every day. Because I still do. I miss Lucy so much. At least once a day I look at Hazel and I get a glimpse of Lucy. It always shocks me and makes me so sad that they won't be the little friends I'd hope they'd be.

I'm doing much better than I'd ever imagined. The anger is pretty much gone and in it's place I've been filled with peace. Lucy gave me a great gift. She broke my heart and in doing so I feel like I'm in a better place than I've ever been. Even though it also feels like the worst. I feel closer to my Savior than I ever have. My desire to have the Holy Spirt with me is stronger than it's ever been. I have a deep desire for Lucy's death to have meant something. The only thing in my power that I know to do, is to live my life in alignment with the teachings of the gospel and to follow the promptings of the Spirit and to teach my remaining children to do the same. I hope that it will be enough to live with her again.
It seems like I'm always coming across people with similar stories as us. It's amazing how many people lose a child. In a way we have an unfair advantage. I know Lucy is going to be working on our family until we are all pulled back to her and I think all little children who die are doing the same for their families. I know it doesn't matter how far we've strayed or how unclean and unworthy we think we might be, there is a loving Father in Heaven who is waiting for us to turn to him. I wish it hadn't taken the death of my child to change my heart.

5 comments:

Anaise said...

Your testimony is so very powerful.

The Reynolds said...

Eliza, thanks for sharing that. I know it's very personal but it has really helped to strengthen my testimony, also. Like you I'm trying to live in today and enjoy the blessings I've been given. Lucy has helped so many of us to draw closer to our Heavenly Father, trust in His plan and remember why we are here. Thanks again for letting us be a part of your journey. We think of you everyday and keep you in our prayers.

Carlie said...

Love you girl. You have an amazing gift to share your testimony through this blog. If you can't think of anything else, that's what you write. Not only for those that read it today or tomorrow, but for your children and their children. You can bring hope to others even in future generations, but you know that. XOXO

JoJo said...

I'm a stranger, enduring a trial of my own that is different but also painful. When I ask myself "why?" I get many answers. But one thing I've felt strongly recently is that those who have suffered in life ARE different. It's unfortunate that we have to suffer to change, but I look around at the people I admire most, and they are people who have endured pain. Perhaps, the worse the pain the greater the change. God bless.

Meesh said...

That was very beautiful Eliza. Living in the present is what everyone should be doing. Heavenly Father is taking very good care of your beautiful little girl.