Friday, March 23, 2012

Finding Joy

I still cry a lot. All the time really. But somehow I'm not really depressed. It almost impossible to explain. I miss my daughter terribly. But I feel more hope than fear. I'm so grateful for that. I know it's been a gift from God. I don't want to let my sadness take away from the beauty of my other children. I love them more than ever. I want to be a good mother to them. Nothing seems important anymore except my family. Lucy's death has made me cherish my family. I've avoided blogging because it's painful but I think I need to focus more on all the wonderful things in my life. So here are a few little beauties...

The first thing Jack said to me today, "mom, you are so beautiful." I of course looked like death.

My nephew asked me today if I'd ever died. I tried to explain to him about death. He told me that Lucy is in her REAL house now. I asked him what he meant. He said, "I don't know!"

Jack is finally Potty trained!

I watched my sisters kids the other day when she went to the hospital. When she got back Jack said, "Carlie, you not died!" he obviously has some baggage.

Watching Hazel jump on the trampoline....naked.

And of course, throwing rocks in Provo Canyon. And feeling Lucy there with us.











What dorks.





6 comments:

Allison said...

You are such an amazing example to me! Love you, cousin!

M said...

you guys are awesome. You are just such a wonderful example to all moms out there. Oh, and congrats on the potty training!!! :)

Thomas & Alicia Montgomery said...

I feel ya! And I've been avoiding commenting on your blog too. hehe. sorry. just wanted to say though that you are an amazing example and amazing mother. Hazel is so cute! Familes are extremely important and precious and so wonderful because they are forever. Honestly, I miss Lucy too.

StrawberryBlond said...

So glad you feel up to sharing these moments. Naked trampoline jumping is surely something to be remembered. I still think of you often and I'm glad to hear you feel some peace. We love you guys dearly!

Anaise said...

You're still in my kindest thoughts and frequent prayers.

The Fraziers said...

Thanks for your comment on our blog. We heard you and your husband speak in church in February before our daughter died. That must have been awfully hard... There was something you said that really hit me. You said that through all of the medical issues with both of your daughters, you at first couldn't see why God would take Lucy and just add that much more pain to what you had already felt. I started crying right then because of some of the surgeries and other health issues we've gone through with our son, Finn, and that for one reason or another, he didn't get taken from us.

But when our daughter Rowan did get taken from us, it cut us to our souls. I was mad at God for taking Rowan when we had already had such a rough time with Finn. I couldn't help but thinking back to your talk... Although, very different instances of losing our children, I can't help but think they are similar in ways. Seeing other people that can survive with help from God and be honest through their grieving, gives me hope.

Writing happy blog posts here and there helps me too :) I am so grateful for my family, now, more than at any other time.

Sorry for the novel from the random person...