Friday, April 13, 2012

6 months

Sometimes it feels like no time at all has past. The wounds are so fresh it may as well have happened yesterday. I'll go in the kids room and expect to see her there. Other times it feels like a million years since we were all together. Time feels like time is dragging and surely we must have been grieving for years now. But it's only been 6 months.

I sometimes relive the day over and over in my head. It's torture realizing how many mistakes were made. I've wondered had Chuck been with her that day instead of me, would he have noticed how stupid they were being and insisted they do it right. And then I remember the confirmation we received that this was her time. It has been a gift to know that but has taken all our faith to remind ourselves.

For those who don't know what's going on with us we're now back in Kansas City. We're back in the house where we lived when Lucy and Hazel were born and where they lived until they were almost a year old. It's hard being here but I love it too. I break down a little more often but I know it's healing. We left the house clean except for the girls room. We had to empty out our storage unit and we put everything in their room last time we were here. I picked a blanket out of the hamper in the girls' room. It smelled just like Lucy. I lost it. When I told Chuck what had happened he told me he had done the same thing.

We're here for April and May. Chuck had to do Cardiology and ER rotations here in Kansas City. We're packing up the house and putting all our stuff...who knows where. Then we'll be going back to Utah for a year.(living in Orem with my parents) If everything goes well Chuck should learn in December where he'll be doing a pediatric residency and then he'd start in July of 2013.

Since Lucy passed away I feel like I've heard so many stories of hard things other people are going through and I'm reminded I'm not alone. We are built to overcome hard things. That is why we're here.

This picture was taken a few hours before Lucy passed away. I now wonder what she saw.


Anaise said...

I'm glad you keep posting about your angel girl. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Hold on to that confirmation you received; it will keep you from losing your mind as time goes by.

Macie said...

I'm so sorry Eliza. Those "anniversary" days are hard. We love you guys.

Rachel Starchman said...

Eliza, you guys are in our thoughts and prayers. I understand the "what ifs" and reliving the day over and over, night time is worst for me. My son is still alive but he was backed over by a riding lawn mower, only his head was sticking out. He ended up losing his foot but I constantly look back, think about what I could have done and relive it. It's gotten farther inbetween those moments now that its almost 8 yrs ago but I understand reliving it full of regret, guilt and questions. I know it doesn't compare to losing your sweet Lucy though, I just understand the reliving the moment/day pain. (((Hugs))) and know your always in our prayers.

Carlie said...

We wish you were here. My kids act like their siblings are gone. Halle keeps wanting Hazel. Jessie asks if we can go to "Jacks" house (meaning moms). And we've only been back for 2 days! Love you.

Brandon and Rachel said...

Love you Eliza!