The one year anniversary of Lucy's death has come and passed and I will blog about that later but right now I want to talk about something that has been consuming my thoughts lately.
First, I just want to thank everyone who helped us through this year. I never properly thanked anyone for the flowers, phone calls and comments left on this blog. One of my favorite cards we received just said, "there are no words." To me that said everything. We don't need to say the perfect thing to someone who is hurting because if we grieve with them that's all they'll notice.
I've begun to reread comments left after Lucy died. Many who left those comments probably don't read our blog anymore because they were strangers but they meant so much to me and got me through my darkest days.
After Lucy died I felt every emotion imaginable. Everyone told me this was ok and that I was even entitled to my anger. I was talking with my mother the other day about this idea. Why do we think this way? Where did Christ teach that we are ever entitled to anger? Now, I realize I am setting myself up here. I'm not judging anyone else or even myself for emotions I had. I truly don't believe I could have avoided them entirely. But....they didn't help. Only one person told me I couldn't keep being angry and hurt and afraid. I'm pretty sure she is the only one I would have listened to. Why her? Because she had suffered much worse.
She not only buried a baby but she did it with no husband around. She never thought anyone would return to see where he was buried. She suffered near starvation. She buried an adult daughter after this daughter gave birth to her first child. Then she raised her grandchild. She buried grandchildren. Her first husband was murdered, but because she was married in secret, she could not mourn publicly for him. Her second husband was almost never around and she shared him with 7 other woman. She was heartbroken when he left the church she had grown to love. What she taught me most was that she never expected joy to come in this life. She knew that this was the time to be tested and the blessings would come later. But despite all her heartache she did find joy in this life. Even if her joy was not complete.
This woman was my great-great-great grandmother Eliza Partridge. Someone who commented on my blog right after Lucy died led me to her. She has been with me this year. Our whole family has been blessed because of her. She has helped me have the paradigm shift I needed to get through. I owe her so much and I look forward to the day I can tell her what she did for me.
I still miss Lucy everyday. I ache for her but I'm not depressed. Chuck and I know we have part of our family in heaven. We see the blessing in this now. She helps us keep our eyes focused where they need to be. She's pulling us toward her. When I find myself entertaining depressed or angry thoughts I remind myself that I'm distancing myself from my daughter and from Christ.
I've watched a lot of people go through worse things than us since Lucy died. Sometimes I find them so overwhelming and heartbreaking. But I remind myself of all the miracles and blessings we received and I know the same thing waits for them if they will accept them.
We all are going to suffer in this life. It's my personal belief that at these critical times we can choose to entertain angels or devils (or whatever you choose to call them). I believe i've done both. I think we all have. I write all this mainly as a reminder to myself to avoid the feelings and spirits that would lead me away from where I want to be.
Lucy has made the Plan of Salvation real to me. She has made my desire to return to Christ genuine. I know others can get that without losing a child but for Chuck and me, it was the only way.