2 years

A couple weeks ago was the two year anniversary of Lucy's death. I had to teach Relief Society in church and I barely made it through. My heart hurts for her as much as it did a year ago. Progress it slow. Today out of no where I saw a picture of her and it knocked the wind of of me. I miss her so much. I miss her funny little wave and her little white washcloths.
Even though Ivy is only 7 months old she's about the same size Lucy was when she passed away. She looks like her. A chubbier darker Lucy. It's hard. My children bring me so much joy. I don't know how Chuck and I could get through this without them.

It's early in the morning and I can't sleep. Two years ago today we woke up one of our sleeping babies and took her to the hospital for what would be the last time. She was so tired that morning she laid nuzzled on my chest like a newborn. I wish I could go back to that morning. She was terrified when she realized we were back at the hospital. We'd just spent 10 days at home after three long months of living at the hospital. She didn't want to be back. I wish I could erase this memory from my mind forever, but I remember perfectly. We spoke that morning with her surgeon. I asked how long they expected recovery to take. His answer was 2-3 days in the ICU and then a week or so on the floor. She never made it to the floor. Ten days after this surgery we lost her.



This was the last time I held my little girl like this. This was the last time she was Lucy. I miss her more than I can say. I see her face looking out from her siblings sometimes but it's not enough. I am so happy that this amazing child is part of our family. I'm so glad I was able to be her mother. She changed me forever.
I've been feeling overwhelmed lately with residency. It's hell. Chuck is on what is considered an easy rotation. He get's a day off on Saturday and it will be the first one he's had in three weeks. His next day off will be in another 2 weeks. Somedays I just don't feel like Chuck and I are cut out for this. We're weekend people. In fact we're like.....long weekend people. Then I remember Lucy and how much she endured and how well she endured it. She was so much tougher than I will ever be.

Tour of the house part seven: living room

This room has been a little challenging. For one thing, it's really big. The other thing was that we really didn't have the right furniture for it. We have a large sectional that just didn't work. Chuck ended up pulling it apart and creating two couches. We stuck the corner piece in the garage. We are planning on putting up crown molding which I'm pretty excited about and I still have some painting to do around the doors and windows. Some of the art needs to be rearranged too.

Tour of the house part six: Dining room

You'll notice the farther I get into these posts, the more unfinished the house will become. Right now this room looks a little Eastery. Chuck built the Dining room table and my mom hung the chandelier. I'm working on getting all the trim painted. Right now it's just primer. The rug just came and I love it. Chuck loves the symbolism in the pattern in the rug. He'll have to tell you about that one. The wallpaper will eventually come down but it's low on the list.(you haven't seen the bathrooms yet)

House tour part five?: kitchen

Our kitchen isn't quite finished yet. It's fully functional except for the hood over the stove. We mostly just have detail work to do. Chuck put all the cabinets together himself and his dad and him hung them. Except for the big pantry one's, I helped with those.


My parent's came for a visit recently where the three of us did the backsplash. We went back and forth between this and a quatrefoil pattern. I ended up doing the subway tile because it was so much cheaper.


My favorite things about this kitchen are the gas stove, farmhouse sink and island. All three things Chuck had to talk me into.


This used to be a closet you entered from the hallway on the other side. Chuck and Jack knocked it down. I

Tour of the house part four: entryway

Wow. I'm on a blogging roll today.













Our entryway is pretty dark, especially in pictures but we just added a new light fixture which adds a lot of light.

House tour part 3: Ivy's room

I made the garland from IKEA Christmas ornaments.

Tour of the house part two: jack and Hazel's room

So I think I've posted pictures from Jack and Hazel's room before but here are some more.

Jack wants his own room. I think it would be really hard on Hazel to sleep be herself though. So they'll be sharing until Ivy is old enough to sleep in a twin sized bed.










The quilts are my favorite part of this room. My husband and I made them together and included bits of Lucy's old dresses. Most of the fabric is cute little fairy tales though.

House tour part one: our room

I've been getting requests for pictures of the house. I'm doing this in sections because, quite frankly, my house is never clean in every room at the same time.

So here is my room. I call it my room because it seems like my husband isn't home enough to call it, "our room."

These pictures are kind of dark but I love our room. It's the first time we've had enough space to have a reading chair. I found the white dresser at an antique store and I love it. We were in need of dressers. The floor is so unlevel in this room that we have to use toy blocks to keep the dresser from leaning over.

Kindergarten

Jack started Kindergarten a week ago and he absolutely loves it. I was so worried because he's gone for almost seven hours a day! He has a wonderful teacher who he already loves. We walk to school everyday it's just right across the street.

Hazel update

On Tuesday Hazel finally had her cardiology appointment. I really liked the cardiologist. Her EKG came back slightly abnormal so they went ahead and did an echocardiogram. Everything looked great! I was holding back tears the entire appointment. It brought back so many memories. We are hugely relieved everything turned out to be fine.

Drama Drama

Well, little miss Hazel sure keeps us on our toes. Our sweet little girl just turned three. I think her birthday is always going to be hard for us. We miss Lucy and we wish she was here to spoil too.








Luckily her birthday fell on a Saturday and her dad was able to be home with us (he only gets one day off a week.) We ate breakfast at the cafe in town, walked around and went to the farmers market. Then we went and saw Monsters Inc. 2. The kids love going to movies. We had an awesome storm that day but luckily it cleared up enough to let balloons go for Lucy.






We missed being with family and going to the cemetery but I think she was with us anyway. Hazel has been talking about Lucy a lot lately. We were in the car tonight and she randomly started saying, "goodnight Lucy, goodnight Lucy." She'll talk about how her and Lucy are the same. We watched the parent trap (the old school version) and she was glued. It reminded me of how Lucy would get while watching Mary Poppins when she was in the hospital.
Today I took Hazel and Ivy to the doctor for well child visits. The kids were super excited to go because they thought they were going to see their dad. Oops. He actually does work at the clinic we went to but not today.
Well everything went pretty well except the doctor noticed Hazel had a murmur. I was a little concerned since no one has ever heard a murmur before. She brought in the attending and he listened too. He told us he wanted an EKG and called cardiology to see what they thought we should do. With our family history they think she needs to go in. I'm actually feeling a little relieved we're getting her looked at. I'm always worried there might be something wrong with her heart and she's never really had it looked at. Hazel passes out sometimes when she cries and it always makes me a little nervous it could be heart related. Cardiology she call next week and hopefully we'll get this looked at soon.


Luckily though, she loved all the attention.

Ivy

Ivy's diapers are way too small. The last time I did this baby thing I had two babies to buy diapers for. So I overestimated how many size 2 diapers I'd need. They're too expensive to just get rid of, so poor Ivy has been wearing ity bity diapers for awhile now. This makes for way too many blow outs. Gross. I'm so excited to finally get through this Costco box. Yeah for size three! I have so many naked pictures of Ivy because of blow outs. Disgusting.