Ivy Caroline

I'm way over due for a blog post. So I had a baby. :) I was induced and had a short (4 hr) but painful delivery. I wanted to have a natural birth with no epidural but caved in at the end. By the time it kicked in I was ready to push. In my defense they made me get an epidural because I was having a VBAC. They told me I didn't have to get any drugs but the syringe was right next to my face with the drugs all ready to go. At one point they told me I was dialated to a 5 but only 10 minutes later I felt like I had to push. At that point I totally lost my ability to deal with the pain. I felt like my bones were being crushed with each contraction and I made Chuck get the doctor. They gave me the epidural and checked me again. This time I was at an 8. By the time the epidural kicked in I was ready to push. Ivy came after only 3 contractions and 9 pushes. Much better than the 1 1/2 hours of pushing I did with Jack. She came out with a perfectly round little head and what looked like huge monster feet. This labor was a wonderful experience. I was very focused on what I had to do and didn't interact much with anyone else in the room. Although i was so grateful to my husband and family for being there. I thought a lot about Lucy and I believe she was there to welcome Ivy into the world. The veil felt thin like it did when Lucy died.

Ivy came one day after the spring equinox. We wanted to give her a name that signified life. Ivy seemed to fit her perfectly. Caroline came from 2 very special women. My sister Carlie, her real name is Caroline and the woman she was named after, Caroline Partridge. Caroline Partridge was the sister of our great great great grandmother Eliza. I think names are important and I wanted to honor these special women.

I know I've been terrible about blogging lately. I don't think it's accidental. I've been avoiding it. I think I've needed a break to process my own feelings about life.
I guess it's officially time to announce that I'm pregnant! I'm 39 weeks tomorrow. I know I'm terrible. We're having a little girl and we're very excited. Most people are curious if this baby was planned. Yes, she was. It doesn't mean the decision wasn't extremely difficult. Grieving for one child, while awaiting another is not a comfortable one. I knew the longer we waited, the harder it would get though. This really is the perfect time for our family to welcome a new little spirit.
I never really felt like I lost a baby. In my eyes Lucy was a little girl. She played with dolls and watched Mary Poppins with a better attention span than most adults. She called me Mama and was the most engaged child. Because of that its been a little easier. Baby stuff isn't as painful as it would be if I thought of Lucy as a baby when she died.
After Lucy died I couldn't listen to music on the radio. It made me angry to listen to empty songs about love. I kept thinking to myself, the love I have for my daughter is so much better than this. They have no idea! Lately I've been thinking a lot about mother's love and how it resembles our Savior's love for us. I've spent a lot more time this pregnancy contemplating the sacredness of childbirth. It's made this entire pregnancy more meaningful than my others and has helped me focus more on my Savior.
I thought my biggest fear this pregnancy would be for the baby's health, but it really hasn't been. My biggest fear has been that I wouldn't connect with this little girl. I've been afraid I wouldn't love her like my other kids. I've been praying for comfort and assurance. Last night I had a dream about her. She was beautiful and I loved her just like the others. It was an answer to my prayers and I'm grateful The Lord sends me these tender mercies when I need them most. I guess this is why I decided to blog again today. So I don't forget that my Heavenly Father is aware of me and my problems.

It's early early in the morning. I can't sleep. I had a bad dream about my little boy and now his sweet spirit is on my mind. Jack is such a special kid. He's such a charming, emotional and quite frankly, a disgusting little boy. Everything a little boy should be. Jack adores his family. Anytime we're all together he asks, "Are we a family." And when we answer him, he gets all happy. He's always the first to offer a hug when I'm upset. Yesterday we were watching, A Muppet Christmas Carol. I got emotional when Tiny Tim died. Of Course. Jack kept asking, "what happened to Tiny Tim." I explained that Tiny Tim got sick and died. He turned to me and said, "It's ok Mom. Lucy is ok. She's awake." Such a smart boy.  He's had a hard time with Lucy being dead. He's finally understanding that she isn't asleep in the ground, but "awake" in heaven. He adores Hazel and is pretty dang nice to her as far as big brothers go. Jack's favorite person in the whole world is his Daddy. If he could spend every waking moment with him, he gladly would. Jack has a gift for reading. He was very slow to start talking and he's still in speech therapy. But this kid can read. His brain can make connections that are just incredible. He's never really been taught he just notices the patterns himself. He loves new information and seems to eat it up. He chews on everything which totally grosses his parents out. He constantly picks his nose and he spills all over himself when he eats. But I love him so much. He needs so much love and thrives when he gets it. Just like most of us. Ok, maybe now I can sleep. Good night Jack!

Pain and Joy

Joy is not the absence of pain, it is the presence of God.

My husband said that to me recently and I can't seem to get it out of my head.

When I think that I am doomed to a life of misery because of my suffering. I remember Lucy and am reminded that she was blissfully happy despite constant pain.

I no longer see, easiness of life as a blessing. Some people have everything. They have their health, plenty of money, great children and they are still miserable. Our, "blessings" have nothing to do with how blessed or loved we are. Your life is not easy because you've been good. Your life is not hard because you've been bad. Pain in our lives exists to bring us back to Christ.

After Lucy died I knew things would never be better. I knew the hurt would never lessen. People told me time would heal things. But time hasn't healed anything. Only through the atonement can my pain be lessened. I know our family still has a long way to go. We have a lot left to learn. But we have felt joy despite our constant pain. There is something so comforting in knowing life doesn't have to be good to be good. The more I hear about other people's problems, the more I feel we're all being asked to face the same trial. It seems every trial is a trial of faith. After Lucy died I thought nobody could possibly understand what we were going through. But it seems like, to a degree, everyone understands.

The one year anniversary of Lucy's death has come and passed and I will blog about that later but right now I want to talk about something that has been consuming my thoughts lately.

First, I just want to thank everyone who helped us through this year. I never properly thanked anyone for the flowers, phone calls and comments left on this blog. One of my favorite cards we received just said, "there are no words." To me that said everything. We don't need to say the perfect thing to someone who is hurting because if we grieve with them that's all they'll notice.

I've begun to reread comments left after Lucy died. Many who left those comments probably don't read our blog anymore because they were strangers but they meant so much to me and got me through my darkest days.

After Lucy died I felt every emotion imaginable. Everyone told me this was ok and that I was even entitled to my anger. I was talking with my mother the other day about this idea. Why do we think this way? Where did Christ teach that we are ever entitled to anger? Now, I realize I am setting myself up here. I'm not judging anyone else or even myself for emotions I had. I truly don't believe I could have avoided them entirely. But....they didn't help. Only one person told me I couldn't keep being angry and hurt and afraid. I'm pretty sure she is the only one I would have listened to. Why her? Because she had suffered much worse.

She not only buried a baby but she did it with no husband around. She never thought anyone would return to see where he was buried. She suffered near starvation. She buried an adult daughter after this daughter gave birth to her first child. Then she raised her grandchild. She buried grandchildren. Her first husband was murdered, but because she was married in secret, she could not mourn publicly for him. Her second husband was almost never around and she shared him with 7 other woman. She was heartbroken when he left the church she had grown to love. What she taught me most was that she never expected joy to come in this life. She knew that this was the time to be tested and the blessings would come later. But despite all her heartache she did find joy in this life. Even if her joy was not complete.

This woman was my great-great-great grandmother Eliza Partridge. Someone who commented on my blog right after Lucy died led me to her. She has been with me this year. Our whole family has been blessed because of her. She has helped me have the paradigm shift I needed to get through. I owe her so much and I look forward to the day I can tell her what she did for me.

I still miss Lucy everyday. I ache for her but I'm not depressed. Chuck and I know we have part of our family in heaven. We see the blessing in this now. She helps us keep our eyes focused where they need to be. She's pulling us toward her. When I find myself entertaining depressed or angry thoughts I remind myself that I'm distancing myself from my daughter and from Christ.

I've watched a lot of people go through worse things than us since Lucy died. Sometimes I find them so overwhelming and heartbreaking. But I remind myself of all the miracles and blessings we received and I know the same thing waits for them if they will accept them.

We all are going to suffer in this life. It's my personal belief that at these critical times we can choose to entertain angels or devils (or whatever you choose to call them). I believe i've done both. I think we all have. I write all this mainly as a reminder to myself to avoid the feelings and spirits that would lead me away from where I want to be.

Lucy has made the Plan of Salvation real to me. She has made my desire to return to Christ genuine. I know others can get that without losing a child but for Chuck and me, it was the only way.

We just got back from Disneyland! We absolutely loved it. Chuck and I were both shocked at how well behaved the kids were. No meltdowns, no whining and almost no begging. We hardly recognized our own kids. We wanted to go in October so it wouldn't be so hot or crowded. Both thoughts were a total fail but we made it work anyway. We planned the days so we were able to walk onto most rides. The lines we did wait in the kids didn't seem to mind. The kids loved meeting characters! Watching Hazel meet Minnie and Cinderella were definitely high lights for us. Jack was so cute meeting the Princesses. He bowed down to them and was freaking out because his hands were dirty. He made Chuck take him to the bathroom to wash his hands. If you know Jack this was pretty funny because he's the dirtiest kid ever and never seems to mind. Jack was pretty brave and went on the scary rides with Dad. He get off the rides saying, "I'm so brave!"
Hazel's favorite rides were definitely, The Little Mermaid and the carousels.
Jack's favorite ride was the racing ride in Cars Land. We all loved Cars Land! It looked so much like the movie.
We're so grateful for military discounts that allow our family to take these trips!

Chuck is in San Antonio. I'm the first to admit. I make a terrible single mother. He comes home October 12th. Some may remember we lost our daughter October 13th last year. I didn't think that anniversary days would be that big of a deal to me but they are. The girls birthday was especially hard. My kids have the best dad ever. He went to the Disney outlet and bought them costumes. They're obsessed.


Hazel threw an epic fit when I made her take it off to go to the store.

This post is only 2 months late but better than never right. Hazel had a tea party with her cousins and they all dressed up. Pretty fun.

After the tea party we went to the cemetery and released balloons for Lucy. It was a hard day for us.