Post-op

Last night was tough, really tough. We have the same nurse tonight that we had last night. My mom and her sort of bonded over the drama of last night. My mom asked her how often she has nights like that one. She looked at us a little hesitantly and said, "Last night was my first." When she left the room I asked my mom if she was new. My mom told me she isn't.

I still feel a little sick to my stomach thinking about last night. I wasn't here. I was at home with Chuck about to go to bed when I heard my phone ring. I missed it. I looked at the number and recognized it as the hospital. I listened to the message and heard my mother's voice in a forced calm. She told me there had been an emergency with Hazel and that I needed to call the hospital. She said I needed to get Chuck to call our neighbors and have them come over to watch Lucy and Jack. That was it. She gave me the number to call. I wasn't able to remember the number so I had to redial my voicemail and go through several other messages to get there. I apologize if you called me recently and left a message, you've probably been deleted. When I called my the hospital it was my mom who answered. She told me to come to the hospital immediately with Chuck. She said Hazel had had a seizure and had stopped breathing. Twelve people ran into the room and intubated her. My mom was watching when her chest stopped rising. She thought she was dying. As we drove to the hospital I thought she was dying. I was told she was having an MRI to determine if she needed to be operated on. They did an ultrasound instead. At this point Chuck and I were back at the hospital. We stood and waited around her crib along with her surgeon and nurses on total silence. Our surgeon was wonderful. We were there for more than an hour. The results of the ultrasound were good and ruled out swelling on the brain which was the big fear. After much reluctance Chuck and I went back home to get some sleep. I made my mom promise to call me if anything else happened. This morning she told me that shortly after we left, she started having what looked like seizures again and her heart rate had jumped to 211. They did another CT and found nothing. I was pretty mad at my mom for not calling but I would have never made it through today without sleep. They still aren't sure what happened exactly. It may have been a negative reaction to one of her drugs. We really don't know.

Hazel has been doing much better today than yesterday. She has been pretty zonked out from all the meds she got last night. In a way, this was almost a blessing in disguise. After her surgery yesterday she was in so much pain. It was horrible. She moaned and cried for hours. When I held her she'd arch her back and only make it worse. But today her pain has been much better. I love her so much. I miss my other kids. The past two days I've kept thinking, I hope we never have to do this again, but then I remember we do.

I wish I could say I've handled this with grace and faith but I've been a mess. I have to believe that sometimes it has to be enough just to get through. I've had a lot of talks with my family about letting your trials change you but for now I'm just trying to make it through the day without taking it out on innocent bystanders. I hope in time these experiences do make me better. It's so sad when people become angry at God for the bad things that happen to them. I look at my daughter and all the bad things that are happening to her and I realize that I did this to her. I brought her into a world that is full of pain. I knew she would suffer but it doesn't mean I don't love her. If I've learned anything from the last year it's that my Heavenly Father loves us and he answers prayers. I've always known this but now I really know it. I have felt the prayers of others on my family's behalf. I would hope everyone experiences the power of being prayed for once in their life. Thank you for your prayers they have been answered,