Mexico

A little bit of the food we gave out.
They waited outside for hours while we got things ready.


We were lucky enough to get to go to Mexico over Christmas. It was a good distraction and made celebrating Christmas without Lucy a little easier. One day we went whale watching which was amazing. I've been before but this time we saw them jump out of the water. We saw mana rays 16 feet across and got so close to dolphins we could hear there little squeeks. I loved it. Chuck gets sea sick so he stayed back with our kids. I stayed with the kids one day when he did zip lines in the jungle. And my mom stayed with the kids one day so Chuck and I could go do some service. My family went to Mexico last year and found an organization they really liked called 'Families of the Dump." This community lives just outside a dump and they earn money by finding things in the trash they can recycle. This organization is doing some really good things for this community. The day we were there they had received a large donation of food from the man who owns the resort we were staying at. We helped unload 2 trucks of food and passed it out to the community. It felt good getting sweaty and doing some hard work. The Mexican men were making fun of Carlie and I for lifting the heavy crates. Yea, we workout. Sometimes :)

Christmas Eve

I refused to take a family picture with all four of us. It feels too soon.



Our last night in Mexico was Christmas Eve. We went to the resort's fiesta. We were right next to the dance floor which was fun for the kids, especially Hazel. Another little girl Hazel's age came over and started dancing. Hazel was fascinated with her. It's like she remembers she's supposed to have a little friend there but for some reason she doesn't anymore. It breaks my heart. I nearly cried when the little girl's father started asking me how old she was.

In the hotel

Happy to say Hazel did not get sun burned in Mexico. But putting on sun screen was never fun.

Room with a view

Setting the turtles free

One night in Mexico we were able to set baby sea turtles into the ocean. I loved it. Jack didn't quite get it but I loved that he kept calling his turtle squirt.

My Mom and Dad

Jack and Chuck
Momma, me, my sissy Carlie and Hazel
Jack and squirt
Go squirt!


Having all the people around gives the sea turtles a better chance of survival. The birds leave them alone.

cute!!!
Halle and Jessi

Hazel face
My little bro Michael and girlfriend Stacy

I miss how cute Jack's hair was in Mexico. It curled so easily.

We took Hazel to the doctor on Tuesday and discovered her swollen lymph node had doubled in size from the previous week. They ended up admitting her to the hospital that day. She was quite the grumpy girl. Stranger danger is in full force. Getting the IV in took over an hour of trying and brought back some difficult memories. We were told she would not need a biopsy if they found pus because would indicate an infection. So we were thrilled to find out it was an infection. They drained the site and filled it with gauze. Every morning for a week we have to hold her down and pull a little out. She hates it but overall she's feeling a lot better. Hazel did so well we were able to leave the hospital that first night. I was relieved because I was not looking forward to Hazel freaking out all night. I'm so grateful this is over and turned out to be nothing serious. We appreciate all the prayers.

2011

Last year at about this time I was feeling very discouraged about the upcoming year. I just wished it could be over. Well here we are. It's over. I'm so glad I didn't know then what I know now. We didn't know Lucy was going to die. We thought we were through the worst by June. Little did we know it was just beginning. A lot of people have expressed their relief that 2011 is over and are hopeful 2012 will be better. Even though this was the hardest years of mine and Chuck's life, we feel we'd be betraying Lucy to say it was the worst. We heard our girl's first words. We saw Jack learn to read. We celebrated Easter, our daughters' first birthday and the removal of one helmet. Our girls became friends and Jack adored his sisters. Most of Lucy's life was spent at home, the place she loved best. Lucy wasn't going to die. We were already making plans of where would be the best places to live for Lucy's future medical care. I think a lot of people think that maybe this was easier because she was sick. We had as much hope for her as Jack or Hazel. I miss her so much. Someone told my husband this week that I need to, "get over it." I know they weren't meaning to be unkind, but I don't think I will ever "get over it." I don't think we are meant to get over those we love. I feel her pulling our family towards her. I don't want to forget everything she taught me.



I loved Easter this year and so did Lucy.


Jack being Chuck's son has no idea was this gear is even used for.


Happy girl.


Chuck did a 5k by the Kansas City temple.


I was so proud Lucy was able to learn to crawl. It took so much work for her.






One of Lucy's last days at home.


I love this picture of my niece with the girls.





Hmmm.


This picture of Hazel looks just like a Lucy face to me.


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Sneak Peak

A little sneak peak of our trip to Mexico. I'll get around to a real post soon.


Christmas Eve.

More drama

Hazel has a lump in her groin that my mom noticed about a month ago. We were in Mexico over Christmas and noticed it had gotten much larger. When we got home my dad called his old high school buddy and our kid's pediatrician. We went over to his house and he ordered an ultrasound and some blood work and sent us to a pediatric surgeon. He ordered more blood work and a chest X-ray. Everything so far has come back pretty normal. In the last few days it has gotten even bigger and turned painful. She has even started walking funny. The doctor we saw today was infectious disease. He told us if it gets worse in the next few days they're going to do a biopsy. They are optimistic that it's not leukemia or lymphoma because it would be so rare. That's comforting but not that comforting. We could again use some prayers. We're pretty hopeful nothing's wrong but it hard waiting.


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Two Months

It's been two months since we've lost our beautiful little girl. That morning I drove to the hospital thinking about Lucy and what her future would be. I had no idea what was coming later that day. I always thought I would see it coming if we lost her but I didn't. Looking back I don't believe Lucy was really there at all that day. I think her spirit was lingering just long enough so that Chuck, my mother and I would all be there to say goodbye. It was so rare that the three of us were all with her at the hospital, especially on a day with no surgeries. But there we all were standing around her with folded arms as she slipped away. I know I've told this story before but it is so easy to forget the miracles that are sent our way. As hard as we try to find a solution in our minds for what could have saved Lucy's life we must remember that it wasn't meant to be. We exercised all of our faith. We believed that Heavenly Father could heal her. I still believe he could have. But he didn't, and now we are working on having faith in his plan for her.

Jack and Hazel make it very difficult to act sad around them. They are both so empathetic and aware of our emotions. Hazel scowls if anyone is crying and buries her little head into our laps. Jack starts explaining to us that we should be happy because Lucy isn't sick anymore and that it's not our fault. I love them so much and I'm so grateful to have them to help pull us through this. It's hard for me to watch Hazel forget but I know that Lucy is going to remain by her side her whole life.

Losing Lucy has broken our hearts and put us into a better place. Even though it doesn't usually feel better. The days that are easiest for me are days where I'm focused on my Savior and the love he has for us. The days that are hardest for me are when I'm letting the world and Satan tell me what to feel. That this isn't fair or this wasn't supposed to happen. The doctors made mistakes or it's normal to be mad.

Chuck and I never quite know when the sadness is going to hit. We were at Costco and I saw a mother pushing identical twin girls a little older than my girls in her shopping cart. I looked down and saw the empty seat by Hazel and started to cry. Poor lady probably thought I was nuts. Jack wakes up still screaming in the night saying he misses Lucy. He worries when he doesn't know where Hazel is or if anyone says they feel sick. We've had some neat experiences with Hazel that have helped us see that Lucy is still around. Hazel is forgetting her and doesn't say her name anymore but she still will find pictures of her to kiss. I'm grateful that Jack and Hazel will grow up knowing that there is someone working for them on the other side. My siblings and I all grew up feeling our brother Garrison's influence, who also died from a heart defect. Even though my kids will forget Lucy, Chuck and I are determined that they will never really forget her.