I know I'm going to need to suck it up before they're born. I want their births to feel like a victory. I don't want to waste anytime being faithless or sad. I want to enjoy every moment I have with them. That is why I'm devising my plan of attack. Having something to do always seems to make me feel better. When we got home from the perinatologist after he told us there might be a problem with one of the babies, I ripped off all the tags on the clothes we had bought them. I threw away any receipts we had kept and I made their presence as permanent as I possibly could. It was my way of telling myself everything would be fine. When I found out on Monday that there was for sure a problem I started cleaning out there room and working on some small projects. This morning after having a discussion with Chuck, I realized these little things weren't going to be enough to get me out of this funk. I told Chuck I need to have something to do for the next 10 or so weeks, so I feel like I'm contributing in someway. What I really want is someone to sit me down and walk me through everything. The birth, the surgeries, and what I need to be doing to prepare for this. Chuck and I began step one of our plan of attack. We came up with a list of questions for my doctors that I'll be seeing next week. I normally hate asking questions so this is a big deal for me. I'm hoping those appointments will give me a little more insight into what we can expect. So far this plan of attack doesn't sound like much, but just wait, we're going to be ready for this.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Plan of Attack
We sometimes think the grieving process is reserved only for those who've had someone close to them die. I know this can't be true or else I wouldn't be feeling this way. Whether or not we've ever had someone close to us die we've all felt grief. The checklist of emotions that come at us with such predictability it's almost embarrassing. Denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance. Depression is in there too, I think after bargaining. The grief process is important to go through but Satan wants us to stay there. He doesn't want us to get to the end. Right now I feel totally unexcited for the birth of my children. I know they are safe as long as they remain inside me. As soon as they are born the world will become a scary and painful place. The truth is I'm not only scared for Lucy but I'm scared for myself. I don't want to see my newborn daughter taken to another hospital, stuck with needles and sliced open. I don't want to give up the control that brings me so much pace of mind, but I have to. Throughout my life I have heard so many people ask, "why would a God that loved us let such bad things happen to people." I know he lets bad things happen to us because he loves us. He wants us to become like Him and without trial and pain we will never grow. It doesn't mean it doesn't cause Him pain.