Friday, May 7, 2010

Plan of Attack

We sometimes think the grieving process is reserved only for those who've had someone close to them die. I know this can't be true or else I wouldn't be feeling this way. Whether or not we've ever had someone close to us die we've all felt grief. The checklist of emotions that come at us with such predictability it's almost embarrassing. Denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance. Depression is in there too, I think after bargaining. The grief process is important to go through but Satan wants us to stay there. He doesn't want us to get to the end. Right now I feel totally unexcited for the birth of my children. I know they are safe as long as they remain inside me. As soon as they are born the world will become a scary and painful place. The truth is I'm not only scared for Lucy but I'm scared for myself. I don't want to see my newborn daughter taken to another hospital, stuck with needles and sliced open. I don't want to give up the control that brings me so much pace of mind, but I have to. Throughout my life I have heard so many people ask, "why would a God that loved us let such bad things happen to people." I know he lets bad things happen to us because he loves us. He wants us to become like Him and without trial and pain we will never grow. It doesn't mean it doesn't cause Him pain.
I know I'm going to need to suck it up before they're born. I want their births to feel like a victory. I don't want to waste anytime being faithless or sad. I want to enjoy every moment I have with them. That is why I'm devising my plan of attack. Having something to do always seems to make me feel better. When we got home from the perinatologist after he told us there might be a problem with one of the babies, I ripped off all the tags on the clothes we had bought them. I threw away any receipts we had kept and I made their presence as permanent as I possibly could. It was my way of telling myself everything would be fine. When I found out on Monday that there was for sure a problem I started cleaning out there room and working on some small projects. This morning after having a discussion with Chuck, I realized these little things weren't going to be enough to get me out of this funk. I told Chuck I need to have something to do for the next 10 or so weeks, so I feel like I'm contributing in someway. What I really want is someone to sit me down and walk me through everything. The birth, the surgeries, and what I need to be doing to prepare for this. Chuck and I began step one of our plan of attack. We came up with a list of questions for my doctors that I'll be seeing next week. I normally hate asking questions so this is a big deal for me. I'm hoping those appointments will give me a little more insight into what we can expect. So far this plan of attack doesn't sound like much, but just wait, we're going to be ready for this.

7 comments:

The Coxclan said...

I am proud of you Eliza. I don't think I could do it, but then it's not like you've been given the choice. You're an amazing person and I'm glad Chuck has you. If there is anything I can do let me know. Love you!

McKay said...

Who is this brilliant writer, thoughtful philosopher and amazing woman writing this blog?

Dad

Chuck and Eliza said...

Dad, I can delete you. :)

Christin Foscarini said...

I can't even imagine what you are going through. But, I'm very proud of how strong you are being and that you are recognizing that you need to go through the grieving process. I think getting as many facts as you can will help. Please let me know if I can do anything :)

Carlie said...

Way to go. Stay busy, sounds smart. I have a few projects I can throw your way. :) I'm sorry mom isn't coming. I wish I was closer or didn't have 4 kids of my own so I could come spend time with you. I'll try and take care of mom so she can hurry and get better so she can take care of you! Love you!

Em said...

eliza, i love you! you really are one of the strongest people i know. i've always admired you. i just want you to know we are praying for you and your beautiful family.

love you!

em

Brandon and Rachel said...

Wow. You are so amazing Eliza. I'm excited for those little girls in your belly because they are going to come into such a wonderful family. Your words remind me of some of the things Elder Uchtdorf has taught--how work wards off depression and creating brings joy. Good luck!