How we lost Lucy

I know I need to write this down and have a record of this but I've been avoiding it. For some reason writing down the details seems much harder than telling someone what happened.

We were not expecting Lucy to die. No one was. Her doctors were surprised. We all were. Lucy died on a Thursday. On Wednesday she had a slight fever but was doing well. I spent Wednesday morning with her and Chuck came to switch me sometime midday. He brought Hazel with him and Lucy and Hazel were able to see each other briefly. That would be my last memory of Lucy responsive. She smiled at Hazel. Chuck came home Wednesday night with nothing but good news. He told me they were thinking of extubating her the next day. I arrived early that Thursday morning. They told me her fever was a little worse. I was there for rounds. She would occasionally open her eyes that day but it didn't look like she was looking at anyone, just starring off. I was worried.

The previous Sunday I was really worried about Lucy. I felt an impression that I needed to ask my brother-in-law Matt to give her a blessing. I thought this was strange but later in the week I called my sister and asked her to ask him. We arranged for him to come on Thursday. So here we found ourselves on Thursday. Lucy was clearly not herself. She had been intubated for 11 days but even while intubated she'd wake up for part of the day and be interactive. She was burning up and around noon I learned that her fever had reached 106 degrees. The nurse didn't seem too worried which calmed me down a little. My mom got there around one to let me go home but I felt like I needed to stay. The nurses and doctors were running tests to find a source for infection. Everything was coming back negative. Several times I mentioned how absent she seemed but everyone told me it was because of her fever. I kept praying for a miracle. I kept thinking about the prompting I had received to ask my brother-in-law to come. A couple of hours before she died they looked at her heart with an echocardiogram and everything looked fine. Then at 5:30 she was scheduled for a CT scan to check if the infection had gone to her brain. When we walked down with her she was so lifeless. I asked the nurse if she had given her any drugs. She hadn't had any narcotics for over 7 hours. I was shocked. Again I felt we needed a miracle. I believed we would see one. My brother-in-law met my mother and came to the room where Lucy was having the CT scan. We all walked back to Lucy's room in the ICU. Her CT scan looked fine too. Chuck had arrived and was waiting for us in Lucy's room to help with the blessing. The nurse started Lucy's antibiotics and left the room so we could give Lucy a blessing. My mom, Matt, Chuck and I all got up and stood around her crib. Chuck looked at me and asked if I would say a prayer. I folded my arms and looked at Lucy. At that moment with folded arms, Lucy left us. They did CPR for 25 minutes but she could not come back. Heavenly Father took her before we were able to give her a blessing. He let us know that THIS was her time. There was nothing more for us to do. He waited to take her until Chuck, my mom and I were all there. It was not the miracle I had been wanting or expecting but it was a miracle. Every time I begin to wonder "what if we had done this or that," I remember how she left us. The doctor looked at her EKG after she passed. There was no sign she was about to flat line. It came from no where. I really felt like she wasn't there all day. I think Heavenly Father was waiting for us all to be there. Something that rarely happened. Earlier that day my mom had read Elder Cook's talk from conference, "The Songs They Could Not Sing." She read it twice. She later told me the scriptures that stood out from the talk were, "The elders...shall be called, and shall pray for and lay their hands upon them in my name; and if they die they die unto me, and if they live they shall live unto me." and "Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; fear not..., for God shall be with you forever and ever. " These scriptures have brought me a lot of comfort since Lucy died. Lucy was home the weekend of general conference. We were pretty stressed out with Lucy home. She required so much oxygen that if the nasal cannula came off for just a few seconds she would desat. I remember feeling like I hadn't got much from the talks. Then I heard this talk, it was the last talk of the weekend and I felt some comfort.

We received the results of the autopsy a week ago. I was worried that if I learned the cause of her death it would cause me to resent those that were in charge of her health but it hasn't. Lucy's last open heart didn't help in any of the ways we were hoping. That we knew. Four weeks after the surgery they did a cardiac cath to balloon her left pulmonary artery. The spot they ballooned caused an aneurysm that may have contributed to her death. If they had done more echo cardiograms they should have caught the aneurysm but they didn't. Lucy's time was known. I know I can't spend my time asking, "what-if?" With Lucy there are too many, what-ifs. It would drive us crazy to entertain those kinds of thoughts. We believe Heavenly Father made it known to us that it was her time. We had exercised all of our faith but it wasn't meant to be. We love our little girl. We miss her. We wish she could have stayed longer. I'm grateful that her life touched so many.

One thing that I learned from Lucy's life is to look for the hand of God in everything. The greatest comfort I've ever felt comes in those moments that I am able to see God's influence. After Lucy died I had a neat experience I have felt compelled to share. About a month or so before Lucy died my sister Carlie brought me over a poem about adversity. It was written by Eliza R. Snow and was written for my great-great-great grandmother and namesake Eliza Partridge. It was a beautiful poem. Then 3 days after Lucy passed away someone came across our blog and directed me to a blog of another woman who lost her baby recently. Her most recent post was written the day before Lucy died. It was a story about my great-great-great grandmother and how she lost her baby. It told about how Eliza and her sister Caroline tried to save the baby. My sister Carlie's real name is Caroline. It was shocking to me. I couldn't believe how aware the Lord was of me. I told my sister this story. She wondered if the poem she gave me was about Eliza's child dying. It wasn't. But in the process she learned that Eliza R. Snow wrote Eliza Partridge this poem when her baby died.

"Belov'd Eliza, do not weep"

Belov'd Eliza, do not weep

Your baby sleeps a quiet sleep;

Altho' in dust its body lies

Its spirt soars above the skies.

No more upon your throbbing breast

it lays its little head to rest-

From all the pains of nature freed,

Your fond caress it does not need.

Sweet was its visit but its stay

On earth was short--'twas call'd away

By kindred spirits to fulfil

Its calling and Jehovah's will.

Then soothe your feeling--do not mourn,

Your noble offspring will return,

With all its loveliness again

And with its friends on earth remain.

I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child and yet this is where I find myself. Everyday is hard. I still find myself angry at times. I am still in denial. I still ache for her to be back with us. But I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and the knowledge that he loves his children.

Missing Lucy

I can't sleep. I ache to be with Lucy again. She had a beautiful funeral that brought us a lot of peace but it doesn't make me miss her any less. It's hard to imagine it will ever be any better. I'm still in denial. I keep telling myself, "she was just here. She can't just be gone." Then it hurts all over again. After the funeral Jack had some nightmares. I try my best not to cry in front of him anymore. It's hard and nearly impossible. Hazel knows somethings up too. They both have been acting up a lot this week. We are currently on a little vacation which I think has really been good for them. They have been getting lots of attention from family.
Everything we do seems to remind us of Lucy and I hate that she can't be with us. We miss you Lu.

A Video for Lucy

And a mobile version here.

Lucy's Obituary

Lucy Blair Hutchings

Practically Perfect in Every Way

Born July 20, 2010 to Charles and Eliza Hutchings. Died October 13, 2011.

Lucy loved her family, especially her brother, Jack, and her twin sister, Hazel. She is survived by her parents, grandparents Blair and Laurie Hutchings and McKay and Pamela Platt, and great grandparents Juan and Darlena Hutchings and Patricia Woodbury. She will be greatly missed by her aunts, uncles and cousins, and her Rebecca.

Lucy was born with a heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot. She endured numerous surgeries and procedures, most of which took place in her hometown of Kansas City. Our daughter spent her last months in the Cardiac ICU at Primary Children’s Medical Center. She learned that making others happy made her happy, and she endured every burden with her unforgettable smile.

She had a great love for the nurses and doctors that took care of her, and everyone that would stop in to say hello. She was loved by everyone who knew her, and even by strangers who were never able to meet her.

Lucy taught us so much in her short life. She showed us how to be patient and long-suffering through our afflictions. She taught us to show kindness to everyone, and how to forgive those that cause us pain.

Lucy never walked and barely crawled, but she loved to dance to her favorite shows: Mary Poppins, Tangled, and her sign language videos.

Although her death was completely unexpected and unwelcome, it was her time, and we know Our Heavenly Father wanted her back. She was feisty, and could have fought on if she was supposed to. We always knew her existence in this life was pending the will of Our Father. We are only too grateful for the opportunity to know her while she was here. We love you, Lucy! May angels lead you in.

Funeral services will be held at 11:00 am on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 at Cascade 4th ward chapel, 1051 E 200 N, Orem. A viewing will be held the night before at Walker Funeral Home, 646 East 800 North in Orem from 6 to 8:00 pm. Condolences may be sent to the family at www.walkerfamilymortuary.com.

The source of our joy and sadness

We love you Lucy.
We miss you.

We want you back.


Please help us get back.
We love you.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Goodnight Lucy

Dear Lucy,
It's 3am and I can't sleep. I miss you so much. I've been missing you for days already. I don't know how we'll carry on without you. You passed life's tests with flying colors. The last months of your life taught me so much. I never saw a happier or more forgiving child. You touched so many people that even the cleaning lady sobbed and needed to give you a kiss goodbye. We love you little Lulu. I don't regret a moment of your short 15 month old life. It was heaven on earth. I've been praying for you to have sweet dreams and to be comforted by angels. Tonight I'm praying those angels guide you in safely. Goodnight Lucy.

Lucy Post Op..Again

Lucy had surgery on her diaphragm on Monday. It was injured during her last open heart surgery. It seemed to go well but we still kind of have to wait and see. She was reintubated on Tuesday after a very difficult morning of breathing. Her sats dropped down to 50% and her heart rate and blood pressure went way too high. The chest x-ray showed that het entire left lung had collapsed. Today she's having surgery to hopefully find some mucus in there to suck out.
The surgeon told us the incision for the diaphragm surgery is actually much more painful than for open heart surgery. Because of this she might not want to take deep breaths which isn't good for her lungs.
It's sad how well we know everyone in the ICU but I think it makes it a lot easier on us and A LOT easier on Lucy.

Pics

Okay, I know these pictures are kinda random but I've been so bad at posting lately that I thought I ought to include them.


Lucy has decided she is going to be a nurse when she grows up.

30 compressions


2 breaths


Look mom, I saved her!



Lucy on her last day in the ICU after 2 months.


Goodbye ICU!


Look at how thick Lu is. I never thought she'd surpass Hazel.



Sitting on Gammy and Grandpa.


The past almost 2 weeks have been wonderful having Lucy home. She loves it and is so much happier. On Thursday Lucy was admitted and spent one night in the hospital. That was rough. She did not want to be back there. We have to bring her back tomorrow. She's having surgery on her diaphragm. I'm a nervous wreck and I'm praying that it works. Lucy has had a rough couple of days recently. She's been throwing up a lot and has these spells where she doesn't breathe well. It's terrifying. We appreciate all the support we continue to get from everyone. Thank you so much.