Monday, October 25, 2010

I'll never look at jalapenos the same

My mom keeps bugging me to post on here. I don't know why because I tell her everything. The truth is, that I've been avoiding posting. Surgery is coming up which means I'm a mess. We're all a mess. I'm the only one who is going crazy though. My anxiety is at an all time high. I've never experienced anything like this in my life. My dad is in town and my crazy anxiety has become a frequent topic of discussion. It's suffocating.

The last year has been such a roller coaster. I have felt more joy in the past three months than I ever have before. My pregnancy was physically the worst I've ever felt in my life. A week before the girls were born I cut up a bunch of jalapenos. My hands were burning for hours. Nothing helped the pain and I tried EVERYTHING. I kept thinking... why would heavenly father need me to go through this? Don't I feel crappy enough already? I stayed up late into the night, scrubbing my hands with salt, washing my hands with alcohol and soaking my hands in baking soda. Nothing helped. I was exhausted. I couldn't stay up any longer. I filled a ziplock bag with ice, went to bed, and rested my hands on the bag. I must have fallen asleep within minutes. When I woke up the next morning my hands were completely better. There was no trace of the agony I had been in the night before. I feel like I'm in the same position now. I'm trying everything I can think of to make everything better again. Deep down I know there is nothing I can do. I have to let go. I know it's just a matter of time before the dust settles. I know that someday soon I won't be constantly worried about one of my babies. I keep thinking about my hands. At the time I felt that they would never be better again. I imagined going into labor with my hands in a bowl of baking soda. Thankfully the burning stopped.

I could have never imagined a year ago when I found out I was pregnant the change that would occur in our lives. When I look in the mirror I feel like I've aged much more than one year. I look old now. I feel old now. I'm not bothered by this as much as I would have thought. I don't care that I drive a minivan or that I'm lucky if I can shower three times a week. I have a greater appreciation for my family. They love me and I love them. Everything else will heal itself.

6 comments:

The Adcock Home said...

This past Sunday we looked Romans 8:28-30. A great scripture to turn to when you feel overwhelmed like there is nothing you can do.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Yall have been called for God's purpose. We can't understand it right now, but just remember it is all within God's plan.

Praying for you guys!

Noelle said...

I love the honesty of this post.
And I love you.
And you're in my prayers.
I'm glad you have your parents there.

Barbara said...

Thanks for the update. We can all relate with lifes ups and downs. All I want you to know is that it all will get better. We are praying for you.

Carlie said...

I really shouldn't have read this before I needed to go out. I will have to re-do my make-up now. You're so good with your words. I love that you found such an amazing parallel with your jalapenos. Heavenly Father sure knows what He's doing. Love you

Allison and Brent said...

I love you, cousin! I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this but the Lord knows you can handle it and so do I. You have such strength! Know that your family and friends are cheering you on. So is your Heavenly Father. Thank you for your example of faith!!!

Bri said...

I definitely needed to read this today! Thanks Liza!