The last year has been such a roller coaster. I have felt more joy in the past three months than I ever have before. My pregnancy was physically the worst I've ever felt in my life. A week before the girls were born I cut up a bunch of jalapenos. My hands were burning for hours. Nothing helped the pain and I tried EVERYTHING. I kept thinking... why would heavenly father need me to go through this? Don't I feel crappy enough already? I stayed up late into the night, scrubbing my hands with salt, washing my hands with alcohol and soaking my hands in baking soda. Nothing helped. I was exhausted. I couldn't stay up any longer. I filled a ziplock bag with ice, went to bed, and rested my hands on the bag. I must have fallen asleep within minutes. When I woke up the next morning my hands were completely better. There was no trace of the agony I had been in the night before. I feel like I'm in the same position now. I'm trying everything I can think of to make everything better again. Deep down I know there is nothing I can do. I have to let go. I know it's just a matter of time before the dust settles. I know that someday soon I won't be constantly worried about one of my babies. I keep thinking about my hands. At the time I felt that they would never be better again. I imagined going into labor with my hands in a bowl of baking soda. Thankfully the burning stopped.
I could have never imagined a year ago when I found out I was pregnant the change that would occur in our lives. When I look in the mirror I feel like I've aged much more than one year. I look old now. I feel old now. I'm not bothered by this as much as I would have thought. I don't care that I drive a minivan or that I'm lucky if I can shower three times a week. I have a greater appreciation for my family. They love me and I love them. Everything else will heal itself.