I'll never look at jalapenos the same

My mom keeps bugging me to post on here. I don't know why because I tell her everything. The truth is, that I've been avoiding posting. Surgery is coming up which means I'm a mess. We're all a mess. I'm the only one who is going crazy though. My anxiety is at an all time high. I've never experienced anything like this in my life. My dad is in town and my crazy anxiety has become a frequent topic of discussion. It's suffocating.

The last year has been such a roller coaster. I have felt more joy in the past three months than I ever have before. My pregnancy was physically the worst I've ever felt in my life. A week before the girls were born I cut up a bunch of jalapenos. My hands were burning for hours. Nothing helped the pain and I tried EVERYTHING. I kept thinking... why would heavenly father need me to go through this? Don't I feel crappy enough already? I stayed up late into the night, scrubbing my hands with salt, washing my hands with alcohol and soaking my hands in baking soda. Nothing helped. I was exhausted. I couldn't stay up any longer. I filled a ziplock bag with ice, went to bed, and rested my hands on the bag. I must have fallen asleep within minutes. When I woke up the next morning my hands were completely better. There was no trace of the agony I had been in the night before. I feel like I'm in the same position now. I'm trying everything I can think of to make everything better again. Deep down I know there is nothing I can do. I have to let go. I know it's just a matter of time before the dust settles. I know that someday soon I won't be constantly worried about one of my babies. I keep thinking about my hands. At the time I felt that they would never be better again. I imagined going into labor with my hands in a bowl of baking soda. Thankfully the burning stopped.

I could have never imagined a year ago when I found out I was pregnant the change that would occur in our lives. When I look in the mirror I feel like I've aged much more than one year. I look old now. I feel old now. I'm not bothered by this as much as I would have thought. I don't care that I drive a minivan or that I'm lucky if I can shower three times a week. I have a greater appreciation for my family. They love me and I love them. Everything else will heal itself.