Long day

6:15-leave for hospital

7:00- fill out paperwork, talk to nurses, talk to anethsia, talk to nurse practitioner (we thought she seemed like a little bitty) and talk to her surgeon

8:30-we kissed Lucy good-bye and even though she was starving and pissed off she gave us one last beautiful smile as we handed her over to the nurses

-we went to a waiting room and began the waiting

10:15-My parents arrive

10:45ish- the nurse practitioner comes in panting. She was clearly very upset and frazzled. My first thought when I saw her was, something is really wrong, but it can't be Really wrong because she would never come to us like this if she was dead. The nurse began to explain how things were not going well with Lucy. Her heart rate was all over the place. They shocked her 4 times to get her heart pumping regularly but it hadn't worked. She had been put on a bypass machine but needed to be put on a long term life support machine called (ECMO). It was doing everything for her, pumping her blood, oxygenating it so that her heart could rest. She told us that it might be several days to possibly a week or more that she would be on this life support machine. We all panicked. We sat in silence. No one told me everything was going to be ok. No one said anything. Chuck and I both posted on facebook, asking for prayers. My mother called my sister and asked for her to get people in her ward to pray. Our Nurse practioner told us to pray. So we did.

10-20 minutes later- the nurse practitioner came back. This time she was calm but not smiling. I wanted to scream at her to leave the moment I saw her. She had come to tell us Lucy was dead. I knew this was why she came. She looked at me. She had so much pity in her eyes. There was no trace of the bitty that she had been before. I wanted to hit her. She didn't tell us Lucy was dead. I don't know what she said. All I remember hearing was that Lucy was still not doing well, but she was alive.

Who knows how long later- a social worker showed me a room just off the waiting room where we could use if we needed. It was a room that they use to let parents sleep in at night. I took Chuck in there. I held him as he sobbed. I have never seen Chuck do that and it scared me to death. I told him I knew Lucy would be ok but I didn't. The truth is I had felt like Heavenly Father had been preparing me to lose her. The past few days Chuck and I have been talking about the joy our daughters have brought to our lives. I had a dream the other night where I was on the beach with him and our children. They were a couple of years older and it really was the best dream I ever had. I kept thinking that maybe these past few days were Heavenly Father's gift to us, so that we would always remember her so perfectly.

A few minutes later- we were moved to a private waiting room. We were told the Dr. would be with us shortly. I tried to make jokes. No one felt like laughing. We waited a long time. I knew something was wrong. It had been too long. It was. The nurse practitioner came back with pitty all over her face again. She told us that they had been on their way with Lucy to the ICU when she started bleeding. They took her back to the O.R. and found that she was bleeding out from her sutures. She was bleeding because of the anticoagulants she was on. She had to be on them to make the ECMO machine possible. She had to be on the ECMO to keep her heart pumping. She couldn't be on the machine because she'd bleed out. Hmmm... DILEMA. They took her off and just had to wait. Then we had to wait....

After waiting awhile- the nurse came back in. She told us Lucy was off ECMO and was working her heart by herself. I couldn't believe it. We should have been thrilled but the day had been filled with so much bad news we hardly knew what to think.

Later maybe about 2 or 3ish- the nurse came back with the doctor. He told us he couldn't explain how she recovered. I began to feel like the worst might be over.

3ish maybe?- Chuck and I see Lucy for the first time. Her chest is still open. It's covered with bandages but you can see it beating. It freaks me out.

Now- She's intubated through one nostril. She has another tube suctioning out her stomach. She has lines coming out everywhere. One in her neck. IV's in both hands but she looks pretty good. She's having problems with her kidneys, and she is completely snowed (a new word I learned today). They may or may not be closing her chest tomorrow morning. We'll just have to wait and see.

When Hazel had her surgery there was a time I thought she was going to die. I was terrified but today I was preparing myself for it. I began questioning my faith. I asked myself , would I accept this if it were Heavenly Father's will for her? I had to take a really hard look at myself. It was a little scary.

Prayers were answered today. I will forever be grateful for those prayers. My sister Katie could also use some prayers tonight. She is also in the hospital with kidney failure. I know her kids are worried so if you could keep them in mind too. Thank you so much.